So Come As You Are, Broken And Scarred...

How often have I done this...try to show to the world that my little life "is just perfect" when really it is all falling apart around me? There is so much ugly pride in my heart to be perfect; perfectly sinful.  I love the Lord so much and I love how my Father keeps hammering away at me until He gets my attention. In Hebrews 13:5b "and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Wow...such a great promise and assurance.  I need to be reminded so often of His promises when I mess stuff up again and again and feel utterly hopeless and helpless.  Desiring God had this quote on their site and I love it...it really speaks to me in this season of my life, " when we grow careless of keeping our souls, then God recovers our taste for good things again by sharp crosses." 

It is so funny how my sin works, well not funny but my humanness is almost laughable.  I prayed for months for God to show me what direction I should go...I  knew I needed to make a huge decision and really believed I wanted His guidance and I asked specifically for a direct answer.  Nothing was happening; no big doors slamming shut, no voice in the wind or letter in my mailbox:) so I continued on the path, more than willingly.  I kept praying the "show me/give me an answer" prayer but felt content that no answer was my answer to be able to keep skipping along on my current path and in my happy desires.  Suddenly a huge answer came and it totally rocked my world.  My response is what makes me laugh at myself, now that I have some distance from the initial news ...I was utterly shocked, felt outrage and betrayal and asked God aloud, "WHY" had this happened and "HOW" could this happen and how will I be able to live on the other side of this.  NO... don't do this to me now!  That is all I could say and think for weeks. Really, was I kidding?  I had asked, even pleaded for an answer and when He, in His infinite love gave me an answer...I didn't want to hear it.  It became clear that I had not been asking in truth or by faith but instead I was going through the "show me" prayer to feel good about my own desire and want.  I had felt so glad that He had not changed my direction since it was what I wanted all along.  My precious daughter in law, Jenn shared with me a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer that really made me feel so sad for asking "why" and he says, "Before Him there can only be subjection, perseverance, patience and gratitude. So every question 'Why?' falls silent because it has found its answer." I love this explanation and remind myself of this quote each time the "why" even creeps in to my conscious mind.  I was also sent this song from a friend and listening to it and it made me weep.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw.  He had never left me, and in fact He loves me so much that He answered my prayer in a very clear way; no mistaking it.  

Now it was up to me to listen and follow and after some tug o' war, I can praise God that He set me back on the road to obedience and happily He loves and accepts my silly, sometimes deceptive self. This change in me did not happen in a day, a week or even a month.  I also know that I will slip into thoughts of the old desire and want it and miss it and have moments of question but the Holy Spirit is alive and guiding my steps and my thoughts and He quickly steers my course back to the humble steps I must take to please my God.  From a Puritans Prayer, "Let me willingly accept misery, sorrows, temptations, if I can thereby feel sin as the greatest evil, and be delivered from it with gratitude to Thee"

  

A Perfect God

Never let ‘em see you when you’re breaking
Never let ‘em see you when you fall
That’s how we live and that’s how we try
Tell the world you’ve got it all together
Never let them see what’s underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

There’s no such thing as perfect people
There’s no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Suddenly it’s like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you’ve been
And you never have to go there again

There’s no such thing as perfect people
There’s no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God

Who lived and died to give new life, to heal our imperfections
So look up and see love and let grace be enough.

-Natalie Grant

Dear Father God~

I come humbly and boldly to You, to thank You for loving me and refining me and afflicting me to draw me closer to You.  I can get so caught up in my own desires and delude myself into believing they are from You.  Father, give me eyes to see and ears to hear Your perfect will and soften me so that I will willingly follow what You desire for me. Please, Father, keep refining me until the day You return. Make my struggles, tools for growth rather than stumbling blocks for further sin in my life. Give me a willing spirit, Father, to give myself in service to others and to hear the pain of others so I might pray and work for You for their good and Your glory.  Thank You for all the blessings in my life.  Keep me ever mindful of the gift You gave me in Your Son, Jesus Christ and give me a desire to share this good news with others who do not yet know Him. "What can wash away my sins, nothing but the blood of Jesus." Thank You, Father, for loving me and washing me and giving me hope and a future.

Amen

Thank you from my heart, Cindy, Amanda, Dr Schmidt, Nick, Jenn, Keith, Jacey, Robert G, Kerry, Andrea N, Bethany, Annamarie, Kat, my loving Community Group members and  Diana for always listening to me.  You each exhausted yourselves to be present in my pain and listen and love and pray for my heart.  How can I ever repay this kindness but be able to serve each of you when you have a need.  I will be there!